@QuentinMcCree

The Greatest Show on Dirt

3.23.18

Parker Frazier, minor league journeyman of 11 years, stints with the Rockies, White Sox, A’s, Diamondbacks, and maybe more minor league affiliates, as the Baseball reference page shows a lot of levels of play, none of which are at the pro level, and our eyes hurt, so we’ll call it as we see fit, was playing in front of his fiancée and his future in-laws on Thursday. How exciting. Nerve-wracking, I’d imagine, as I too was once engaged and am now married. My father in-law is Italian, from Long Island, and has the sort of demeanor where you can just sense that he’d off you at the drop of dime, leave a horse’s head in your bed, and have you sleepin’ with the fishes quicker than you can say rigatoni.

So, when Parker let a slider slip from his hand and softly run into the hip of Derek Hill, a Tiger, who may as well be unnamed because we have no clue what he’s about, we could feel his pain. But umpire Tom Hallion could not relate and quickly tossed the 29-year old from the game, the second of 5 he’d send to the showers early. Parker laughed with surprise, and probably a little frustration, as his family had never seen him pitch before and he was now not pitching. He didn’t hit Derek with an 81 MPH slider. Those things don’t happen in baseball.

Warnings had been issued prior to this at bat, when Matthew Boyd sailed a pitch over Odubel Herrera’s head, with the next pitch sitting pretty near the ribs of Odubel. Boyd was ejected upon releasing that second pitch, which led to Tommy making a meaningless Spring Training game an episode of Cops. Primo!

Odubel said Boyd threw with the intention of putting one in him, and I believe him. Batters can usually read this kind of thing square, like when Bryce went stage-5 on Hunter Strickland.

Parker, your pops in law will never let you live this one down. The Thanksgiving table will be filled with turkey and laughs. Like Hey Parker, can I have the gravy, then you hit a bottle of wine with the gravy boat and pops yells you’re outta here! Forget tossing the remote when you are across the room flipping channels between the Lions and the Cowboys annual shit show and the god-awful golf channel. They’ve got one up on you, Parker, so if the engagement is still on, since you probably lost your last tryout for an MLB team, thank your wife and prepare to be your father-in-law’s whipping boy for the next 5-7 years. First marriages usually fizzle by then. Also, thank Tom Hallion. Prick. Tom didn’t need to boot the kid, even if he did issue a warning to both teams because Matthew Boyd is an idiot. The hit by Parker was unintentional. As obvious as the Marlins’ chances of winning it all this year.